


Intricate Delicacies

by Japo_Chan23



Category: Original Work
Genre: Drabble Collection, I Can't Sleep, POV First Person, Random & Short, Short, extremely short, honestly just me trying to cope, i guess, no characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-06-03 08:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19459777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Japo_Chan23/pseuds/Japo_Chan23
Summary: Short rambles I write when I'm bored and being extremely/unnecessarily emotional. Most are written when I should be sleeping, but couldn't.It's collecting dust in my drive, and I feel the need to put it all out here instead of keeping it to myself.





	1. Tenderly

tenderly.

as i lay awake, my vision begins to blur and soon i can only make out your face in the strange markings on my ceiling. the thought of you has imprinted itself onto the forefront of my brain, causing my broca's area to malfunction as i struggle to speak of the beauty that is you.

your touch, your presence, tender and featherlight. my breaths are short, and the weight on my chest is extinct. my anxieties have perished when i fool myself into believing i can hear you whispering sweet nothings in my ear as i hold the idea of you close.

callously. 

as i near the end of this day dream, as my vision begins to refocus, the hard truth of reality makes itself known once more. my chest once more tight as i attempt to stomach everything. the cruel reality i’ve been avoiding indefinitely has made its home right next to me again, and i can’t seem to make it budge.

i can keep the idea of you as close to me as i desire, yet that will never make up for the empty space in my bed that only you can fill, or make up for the lack of warmth that i can’t seem to fake. i can only pretend that you are here for so long.

come home. i miss you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was written when my boyfriend and i were both crying at 1am because we had to talk about him going to college and having to go on break for awhile. we're fine-ish now i guess


	2. Fearful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was scared and anxious a couple of months ago when I was trying to sleep

You’re fearful of so many things. 

You plug your ears and shut your eyes, hiding away in your corner, people from the end of the street spotting the lights beaming out from behind your curtains. What are you hiding from? 

And why do you believe that the light will protect you from the thing you’re afraid of most? Monsters hide in many places, and some do not fear the light that brings you comfort. 

You hide away tightly in crevices and corners, blankets held high above your head as if shielding you from the horrors that await you in the morning. And when your eyes peek out from above the sheets in the middle of the night, they would always seem to gloss over everything quickly. 

Glancing over the lamp by the window, the clothes piled on the chair by the desk where your homework lay unfinished. 

And while your heart may race when you first spot the pile of clothing, you’ll surely calm down once your lights turn on and the darkness fades away. 

Despite that, the lights don’t cause many things to go away. The thoughts that stayed after midnight, regrets made in previous hours, the man watching silently from the other side of the window, or perhaps the scars that lingered on your skin for quite some time now. 

You seem so afraid. 

And you should be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm mainly scared of the dark, and I have a huge phobia of mirrors. When I was younger I panicked everytime I had to go to the bathroom. It's gotten a lot better over the years though, and I'm not that scared anymore, but I still get a little anxious. I can't explain why I'm still scared of mirrors now though.


	3. lovely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i like writing short letters ill never send

Dearest lover, 

I’m falling in love.

Strange to say, falling. Another risk to be taken in life. Taking another step over the edge, falling, no longer able to keep myself grounded as I’m falling through the stratosphere, and returning back to earth after being on cloud nine. 

I’m falling for you, and isn’t that lovely? That I’m able to have some deep affection for you, and how you make me so inexplicably happy that I can’t process it. There are points where I look at you and can’t believe you exist. That you’re this lovely, and that I’m able to love you so earnestly. 

And tears threaten to fall as well, from emotions that I can’t explain, and feelings that I don’t know well, but to discover them with you will be lovely. To put a definition to them, and to have a better understanding of it would be exquisite. Just like you. 

I will treasure you forever, my dear. 

Truly, 

Yours 


	4. simply complex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> written a day after my boyfriend and i went on break. i sobbed for hours, and was crying when i wrote this.

_ and so the illusion of the end has begun. _

my love for you will never dwindle, but my heart with ache tremendously as we take the steps back to the curtain that we used to hide behind, keeping it a secret. can we deceive everyone now, or will one of us crumble and fall?

_ minimal contact from now on. _

the photos begin to disappear from the public eye, and the text messages and calls begin to cease as we begin to hide again. clinging to the idea that we can be open is equivalent to holding on to false hope, yet i can’t seem to let go.

_ simply complex. complexingly simple. _

i can’t seem to think reasonably when it comes to you as i  drown in newfound emotions that i never thought possible. everyday is a learning experience with you. every time i’m with you, it feels like i’m dealing with it for the first time all over again.

_ the days continue and the risks increase. _

i suppose the real challenge begins here, then. my thoughts are in shambles and i can’t seem to control the conclusions that are drawn, the questions that arise, and the dwindling trust.

_ it’s for the best, despite it feeling like the worst. _

the last time i saw you wasn’t long ago, but did either of us believe that that would be the last time we would see each other? it was simple, back when we could pretend to be the king and queen and act like everything was under control, even if our castle was burning from the fire we set aflame. the fire that we knew of the whole time, but chose to turn a blind eye. now it’s our responsibility to deal with it, but i want to ignore it for a tad bit longer. maybe that will be my downfall.

_ i’m scared. please hold me. _


	5. You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> written a year ago when i had a small, short crush on someone i saw in the hallway

My love, 

My heartbeat, once a steady legato, will forever become an irregular staccato beat whenever you are near me, dearest. The yells of my conductor telling me that it needs to be steady falling onto deaf ears as my heart continues to race, quickly, frantically, in an uneven beat when you are here. 

My thoughts, as cluttered and loud as a piece played at fortissimo, only consisting of sixteenth notes played at a hundred and ten beats per minute at cut time, will suddenly pause when my eyes find you in the crowd. 

My train of thought will start up again, a B on the E string of a violin playing quietly for a measure, before crescendoing into nothing more than a mezzo piano. A large, slow vibrato will echo throughout an empty stadium that will confuse you, making you question if the vibrato was intentional, or if the movement of my wrist is equivalent to the hand of a recovering alcoholic. 

And I will forever be yours. My affection, my kindness, my intellect, my everything, will forever be yours, even if you decline. My body, mentality, and emotions will be there for you whenever you decide to take me.

I am a lovesick fool, with a heart that is more indecisive and insecure than all of me, and a mind that rests for five measures because of you, and when my thoughts awaken once more, the only thing I am able to think of is you. 

Please darling, do me a favor, and just be there for me so that I am able to pretend that I am capable of being infatuated with someone. Allow me to fantasize what it is like to genuinely have a limerence of some sort. Allow all these words and sentences laced with a comfort and a hopeless love only found in fiction to be real. Just for a little while. 

Earnestly,

Yours. 


	6. Useless Ramblings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written whilst watching Kill Yours Darlings over the span of a few hours. I wrote down everything I was thinking, before going back to edit. This was the first thing my boyfriend read that I wrote. It'll probably be the only one.

Kill your darlings, as they say. Ideas that you hold dear to your heart should be scrapped, and no longer used.

There are some people that say your first thought is your best thought, but if you are told to kill your darlings over and over again, especially by people more experienced than you, then what are you to do when your first thought is your most prized possession? Do you slay it with hesitance, as you do with the rest of your ideas that you adore? Or do you leave it to lie here with the rest of your mistakes, trying to make a story out of something that can never work?

So many ideas, a multitude of magnificent thoughts that can be composed into something exquisite, yet turn as similar and bland as everything else. 

There was something repulsive. 

Is it my ideas? The disgusting nature of where my thoughts come from, and how they string together a series of angst and atrocities? Or is it you?

Oh, you. Is it repulsive, or is it lovely? The way you make everything so pleasantly complicated, or the way you are able to push everything aside and remain on top. How you make everything complex, but solve it all with relative ease in such a short amount of time. 

There’s something about you. The way your breath reeked of imported lies and your half hearted beliefs. The way your lips parted to reveal slightly yellowed teeth before quivering the moment you told everyone the tales of your time in wonderland.

You are the best thing to ever happen to me, the best thing to ever lay on this page, the best thought I’ve ever came up with, and the best idea that the world can ever see. But if I have to get rid of my best ideas, all of which I adore with all of my being, then what happens to you? 

Shall I kill my darling, or shall I live in prolonged silence, with only my thoughts consuming my every waking moment?

And even if I were to stay in silence, only with my thoughts, you would still be the one to remain on my mind until something of equal significance were to come up. But oh, how am I supposed to cope? What am I to do, with this crippling need to satisfy you and be there at your beck and call, despite the small parasites that creep in and out of the crevices of my brain and taint my thoughts with ideas of loneliness and death.

Somehow you keep corrupting my mind. Everything I think, everything I do, somehow I keep linking it back to you and it frustrates me, but at the same time gives me a sense of comfort and longing for you. 

How I long to tell you so many things in person, but the words they keep coming to me, and with each and every word, every fragment, why do they keep coming back to you, you, you, it’s always  _ you _ . 

Everything I write starts off as jumbled messes and just random words strung together in incomprehensible sentences that don’t make sense, and every time I do something like that it all just leads back to you and it’s tremendous and fearful. It makes me afraid that I will never be able to write something with a perfect beginning without it blossoming into something that revolves around you. 

And I can’t seem to go on random tangents about what I wish, about the sole idea of not working with ideas you adore and cherish, all because I can’t seem to stick with my ideas for long. I can not linger on a single thought without straying, and when I do I am fearful that I will not be able to turn back to it. My ideas branch off of my creativity, and if I am without my ideas, then what is to be said about my creativity? My imagination?

All this rambling, it won’t ever cease for as long as I am alive I will continue to go on tangents and have my thoughts be corrupted with ideas and gibberish that keep getting back to you and not the original purpose of whatever this was supposed to be about. But I will keep it all in the back of my mind, while the thoughts of you escape from the small corners and crevices of my head and make their way to the forefront of my brain.

It all turns back to you, and I willingly let it happen. I do nothing to prevent it from occurring, for there is nothing that is making me continue to write about you, yet here we are. 

Something about you lingers. Be it the remnants of your lips against my cheek, or the taste of you on my tongue- maybe the sound of your voice being stuck in my head. There’s just something, and the obvious sentiment of you on my being, on my mind, is there.

And every ramble keeps coming back to each other, and while there appears to be no obvious connection to each other, there is a link somewhere in between the lines and the commas that made sense at the moment. 

The tangent continues. 


	7. time or something of the sort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by "Litany in Which Certain Things are Crossed Out"

You always seemed to appreciate the concept of time.

The ticking of the clocks that you have spread out over our home would never silence, 

and even when I beg, 

_ oh darling, don’t you think this is a bit excessive?  _

you never seem bothered. 

Oh, to be young. 

Back when our bones weren’t brittle and our skin 

was still soft and glowed in the sun. 

And I would push you to ground and climb a top of you-

For awhile I thought that time was frozen.

The leaves would leave nothing behind, and soon snow came to replace them.

It never seemed to continue after that point. 

The snow will come and go, yet the people don’t. 

Then comes Spring, wasted away in tears. 

Summer comes, spent pretending. 

Fall makes an appearance, and with it comes you. 

You, you, you. 

All my thoughts seem to go to you, and it’s your fault.

Making this, writing this, it wasn’t supposed to be  _ you _ .

You make me want to try. 

And suddenly I’m in the bathroom.

No, I’m not sticking my finger down my throat,

though that comes later,

but cleaning up my looks, my attitude, 

my everything. 

My mood changed, and are you to blame?

Who knows.

Maybe. 

The seasons continue to change, yet you

still remain right there, and may I ask,

_ How is it? Having your feet stuck in concrete? _

Class is dismissed, please leave, thank you. 

I’m very busy.   
  



	8. Blessings

Beauty is held in the eyes of the beholder. To me, you are the most exquisite thing to ever lay grace. To see you is to be blessed. To see you, is to see an angel. 

And when the sun rose from amongst the horizon, the religious murmurs would echo throughout the church. And as we strayed away from the pews and the priests, we seemed to have strayed further from god as we whispered sins of pleasure and lust in each other’s ears. You leave as if it nothing happened, but the confession you spoke to me shall forever lie in the bed you made amongst the rest of your sins. 

You can no longer hide behind the prudence you claim to have, for that curtain will no longer cover the window and guard you from the wandering pedestrians that will peak in and see the waste that has become of your home. 

You hesitate, and for what? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was written because i kept thinking about the idea of having sex in church. i think about writing more for it, but i don't know what else to add to it. rip.


	9. envy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My boyfriend and I had to break up.

your caption reeks and my teeth are stained green with envy

you pretend we’ll never meet again, but the memories of us are forever paved

we took a risk and paid the price 

and now I will forever be nothing more than a forgotten dream 

as you look to your future and I’m continuously glancing at the past 

maybe you can tell me how you fell out of love

and maybe I can tell you how I never did 


	10. Lonely

You only call me when you want to

But that's never now that you're gone

You disguise your feelings with apathy

But you never tell me why

Come home and call me yours

Like we did when we were younger

Come back and call me again

Just to reminisce

I know home is somewhere else now

But let me pretend for a little longer

That you're still mine


End file.
